-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas