“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
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My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
this is the best interaction on twitter
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that