[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
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Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
wishing you and yours all the best
A new level of troll.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?