Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
You Might Also Like
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My neck my back my allergy attack
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
😜
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
🙄😏😂🤣