Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
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Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Yoga Matt
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Before & after 😅
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy