@AComicTragedy: Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you'd like to meet Him.
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@SirEviscerate: WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night. ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That's weird.
@ddrwg: All I wanna do is *gun shot* *gun shot* *gun shot* *cash register noise* *goat sounds* *mousetrap explodes* wake up from this weird dream.
@Midgetspar: Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
@AristotlesNZ: 5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They're so cool! Me: Whats so cool about turtles? 5yo: They can breath thru their butts! Me: Grab your coat..