Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
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My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
The Friday File.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory