@NurseSeymour: Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
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@Cheeseboy22: My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M's for dinner. I was like, "You saw the banana, right?"
@houffy: I don't think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name "Lamb of God" is misleading.
@Flora__Flora: How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
@ComedicBust: [History Channel] Veteran: [terrified] And then he died. Reporter: But what was it like only having to memorize 1 password for everything?