Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”