Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa