Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
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Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.