Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
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Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
This checks out
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.