Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
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My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”