I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
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How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.