@heymonroe: Hope I'm never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.
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@KyleMcDowell86: KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me [BrewMaster] I thought youd love "hoppy" beer lol [Kangaroo] (sternly) That's racist
@SarcasticAlly12: Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you're doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
@BlindChow: [mailman delivering package to hospital] DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered MAILMAN: please stop saying that
@Mr_Kapowski: Guys, Kelly Kapowski does not belong solely to me She belongs to us all She's R. Kelly