“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
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just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE