@junejuly12: Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
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@RamblingMachine: My crush said we can't be together because he's seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.
@Jandalize: Stop calling it "sweater weather" and call it what it really is, "I don't have to shave my legs for 6 months weather."
@pickupIines: are you my appendix because i don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out
@davidschneider: God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how's 2016 been? Did you cope OK? Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.