Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
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I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
decorating my apartment
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned