HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
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Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I need better friends
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up