“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
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God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Encore…
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?