“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
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Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
This was a bad idea all around
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
oh shit
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree