Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
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Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
How did we not see this back then?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?