Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
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Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview