@JohnLyonTweets: Hope you enjoy my new song, "Part of This Song's Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason)."
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@imchriskelly: i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
@HiddleDeeDee: The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.
@AndyAsAdjective: Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I'm 45 min. off course but I'm not gonna let him win.
@fillthevacuum: Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.