@Mindless4Miles: Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
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@fart: Q: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake? A: a hot air balloon #JonsSafetyTips #Safety #safetyTip #EarthquakeSafetyFacts
@RowdyBowden: We're gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were "Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!"
@ericsshadow: ME: have you seen my keys? WIFE: check your pockets ME: nope [phone rings] ME: hello? CIA: check your other pocket