Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
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Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.