Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.