@TheBlessMess: Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
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@djdarrellripley: Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away... Me: Doesn't everyone?
@AKcrazy18: Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
@UGotMeRight: My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called? Me: Gelt. Coworker: Guilt? Me: No, Jews get that all year round.