My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
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Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
58.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
This text is literally my relationship with my mother: