Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
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In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁