All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
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[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*