I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Noah
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
#NoRestForTheWicked
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above