I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
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I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Spam popsicles.
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