@mdob11: Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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@TacoStamp1: Damn my stomach is making really weird noises...I'm gonna go ahead and send a donut down there to check things out.
@outsmartedmommy: What's for dinner? -A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
@DirtMcTurd: Ex (trying to make me jealous): I'm going to a party, everyone's drinking, laughing, and having fun! Me: that'll all stop once you show up
@5hael: My ceiling fan has three setting: - very slow - slow - I'm about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident