Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet