Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
You Might Also Like
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
“No way.” -Jose
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)