@jwoodham: HOROSCOPE: You'll read a horoscope today.
ME: Whoa, it's like they know me.
@Schmoodles: I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal, you unfrosted weirdo.
@Kyle_Lippert: [Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
@DurtMcHurtt: [first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn't working.
ME: *leans in close* that's cuz you're not an ant..
@DumbPeoplePosts: A new breed of stupid...
@iAmDelFreaky: Doc: Let's check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc's eyes out*