@jwoodham: HOROSCOPE: You'll read a horoscope today.
ME: Whoa, it's like they know me.
@SergioValenCo: What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
@novicefather: Past employers have described me as "selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart."
@KenJennings: People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like "Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph."
@MrSpoonicorn: *Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
"YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE--
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* "SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
@ThisOneSayz: Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that's a spider
Me: kill it!