@jwoodham: HOROSCOPE: You'll read a horoscope today.
ME: Whoa, it's like they know me.
@AndrewNadeau0: All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It's like, "Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby."
@SortaBad: Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
@DadInUtah: Wife: We're supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That's what she said. Wife: Can't you do any better than that? Me: That's what she said
@TheBoydP: Well well well, if it isn't the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall...
@geowizzacist: *Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*