@jwoodham: HOROSCOPE: You'll read a horoscope today.
ME: Whoa, it's like they know me.
@histwaddle: Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.
@froghammer: People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
@yayraptor: [at a bar]
me: hey girl are u a wanted criminal
me: oh ok [to a group of cops] shes not here, search the other building
@yungsweater: *Playing catch*
*dad throws ball over fence*
"I'll get it son!"
*25 years later*
"Wow he must've thrown it far"
@SteveSuckington: I can't figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can't remember his name. I just call him "not Tim"