@jwoodham: HOROSCOPE: You'll read a horoscope today.
ME: Whoa, it's like they know me.
@SonOfCha: Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
@iwearaonesie: dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
dad: Isn't that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says "Craftsman"
me: Are you crying?
@radtoria: Like The Purge but everyone is tryin to murder Tim Allen & become the next Santa. Pls donate on kickstarter so I can finally feed my family.
@s_cLaN07: My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
@Fred_Delicious: [everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
"No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon"