ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Encore…
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.