Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
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I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”