Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
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{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend