@ShortSleeveSuit: Horrifying if literal: armchairs
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@_GrahamPatrick: MAN: See my tattoo? It says "Only God can judge me." GOD: That shirt with those pants?
@Shen_the_Bird: me: alexa alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and- me: is it okay to microwave glass alexa: for how long
@colebuer: It's been 4 years since my job interview. I'm beginning to suspect they chose someone else
@psybermonkey: Friend: you've been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?