Horrifying if literal: armchairs
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Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me