Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
You Might Also Like
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
waiting for halloween be like:
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box