Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?