I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
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PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Cashiers are always checking me out
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this