People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
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[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school