*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
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trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
set yourself free xox
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Sheep
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do