HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
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90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again