HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.