Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
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My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. Itโs a hat now
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I hate when Iโm cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. ๐
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Itโs like this Bartender doesnโt even realize heโs my date now.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandadโs bed if I was scared.
6yo: Thatโs sad Mommy. Iโm going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. Iโm good!
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Iโve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery storeโฆwtf
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Iโm sorry, Iโm going to have to cancel, Iโm completely snowed in
I’m choking laughing omfg ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has โfile not foundโ written all over their face
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Canโt wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
[costume shop]
Me: Iโd like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…