FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
You Might Also Like
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into