I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
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[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.