horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
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I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO