Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
You Might Also Like
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
is this a warning or an offer?
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here