I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
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If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE