*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
You Might Also Like
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh