*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
You Might Also Like
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.